Today has been quiet. It sure gets quiet without anyone around. Very quiet in fact. This moment that so is presented to me is so precious that I need to log it down.
What does this quiet do to us? For one, it gets us off the wheel and let us have a look around us. Did we notice that there were some emails that we have chucked one corner… did we notice the various websites we have yet to explore… new technology and new things that we can be done? There are some who will be totally lost with this free time. I am too… lost in a different way – on how to make so much of this short little window.
I can feel my breath. I can feel my heat beat. I can feel happiness. It feels like I are one with nature. As if I can communicate with the surrounding. And now my mind starts to think… or rather wander. Now this is where I start to think about life.
What is this life? What do we really achieve in living? I mean, in the end we are all going to die and there is no medal that we are bringing along with us. I feel envious of those who has a religion – which gives them something to believe it. But the fact is… once your mind expands to a certain point, having had seen beyond the horizon, it can never be contained within the parameters defined. Religion is a great anchor. I have had explored them for many years or even decades, but is just that… once you have gone deep in, the tsunami of spiritual aspirations just could not be confined within these boundaries. Many do no aspire to go beyond, for at the end of the square world, we will all tip over and fall. Well then again, is there any need to do so? For me.. Yes! There is.
I remember when I was young… I used to visit different places of worship. Whichever one I went to, I loved them all. The peace and tranquility that I sense there is wonderful. I always envied the great sages and saints all my life…. and I could sense their true happiness – To be free. To be one with all. To be the present in the presence.
My mind wanders again… I am getting old. We all are. What have we achieved? Yes, we have a family and there are many religions to choose from… We have money to get almost whatever we want. But what have we achieved? Or is it even necessary to bring up that question? I want to achieve… I want to do something with my life before it slips me by. Money has never made me happy. I mean… I do breath in relief when I get the cheques to keep my life going, but that is not happiness… that is relief. I get a nice gadget around the house, it is not happiness, it is trill. I get nice shoes and suits to look good – that is not happiness either, that is vanity. I take a glass of gin – that is fake happiness, like a sugar substitute. We do many things in life… how many of them bring us happiness. Most of the things we do are in the pursuit of happiness… In the hope that that action will make us happy… but do they? Instead they act like drugs, giving us an instant high, but fizzes out eventually.
So I need to pursue my journey toward Happiness. Towards Peace. Towards Solitude.
Today… I have decided to make the best of the day! For one.. drink lots of water – yes, it looks sudden, but never undermine the importance of water for the physical well-being which directly co-relates to the mental well-being. And these are the foundations on which the flight of the mind propels itself towads greatness. So… drink lots of water! BE FOCUSED to get most if not all those backlogs and deadlines attended to or even to chip off the ends of the tough ones. Do the most difficult one first. When to take down the ‘leader’ (ie the most difficult item from the pack), the soliders will fall automatically. So a long order… limited time… but an unwaivering determination. So let’s get started!
So another day has passed… and I didn’t do anything better.. Better as in I didn’t really make a major difference in anyone life – not that I consciously noticed. I didn’t really help any old lady to walk across the road – anyway it is so pa se.
However, I did gouge down a lot of scrumptious food – lots of them and am now topping up with instant noodles with some sinful drink to accompany it in the middle of the night. Maybe I would need more of this… let me get one more. So what have I done today? And what am I doing now? It is as if I am turning to the dark side – and you know what? Isn’t is more fun than playing the harp all day long? Ya. It sure is fun. There is no need to worry about the good that needs to be done, or the peace that I think I so need to seek. I have my solitude now… with a computer in front of me, more unhealthy food and drink to accompany my lonely soul.
What has happened to me? Where has my unwaivering positivity and innocent smile gone? I do have it but it seem to be getting harder and harder to keep up. Everyday the cloud of sad faces and dark forces surround me and it just gets more taxing to fight them back. Maybe I am tired… maybe I just need to let go and slide down the path… maybe I just should give up the quest….
… and maybe that is where I should fight and stay strong. Nothing is going to bring me down! I am not some silly soul… I believe I have a purpose… a much greater purpose being here. I have yet to fully realise it, but I am special. We all are! I need to not give up… not give in… but hold my head up high… and keep fighting….
Solitude. What does it really mean? It is definitely not loneliness… for only those who are ignorant define it as such – who knows not about the silence that speaks… know not about the pleasure the presence of the absence presents… knows not about the peace and tranquility that this nothingness brings.
Why this blog?
It is not about sharing, although I do hope I could ignite some spark in those who read this, but it is just me talking to myself. I belief we all have our good self and our evil self. Everyday it is a battle. We see a blind man trying to cross the road, but we are late for work – make it an urgent meeting you have to attend to… will we help him? If we think there is someone else who is ‘less important’ who can help him, and of course there are so many of them all around you, allowing us to diffuse our ‘responsibility’ in a guilt-free manner, what have we chosen to do – walk away. What does that make us?
So I begin writing this, for it is not for you… but for me. I want to speak to myself. I want to break away from the cycle of daily, routine, chained life to be able to spent some quality time to allow my true self to shine through. To be a better person. To be a better soul.
So I begin this journey.