choice

IF… If only…

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IF. 

If… If only…. 

If is a very powerful word. We use it a lot without even realising it. 
If only I were prettier. If only I were a little taller. If only I were richer. If only I were a little bit more careful. If only I could have thought straight. If only I had expressed myself to her better. If only I had told my mom how much I loved her. If only I pushed myself just a little harder. If only I were more careful. If only I focused on my studies when I was younger. If only I had a baby. If only I had a better spouse. If only I took time off to be with my family. If only I had not made that stupid mistake. If only I were younger.

If… If only. 

We all had that wish. We wished for something. We wish to turn back time. We want to do right what we messed up. We were younger. Maybe I could make a better decision if I were given a second choice. Our wishes could have been fulfilled IF that ‘missing’ element was present to make that happen. Many a time, we could have ‘fixed’ the problems if we had just taken the alternate path, or to have simply walked away. We did not…. and so we are here… with a bagful of ifs and possibly with it regrets. 

We tell ourselves that we have control over our lives and we are pretty lucky to be living the life we are living. We probably even wisen up to be thankful for what we have and tell ourselves to be grateful for those…. but as much as we talk to ourselves and comfort ourselves on how good we have had it and keep reminding ourselves to be contented and be happy with what we have, when we see someone else living the life we want to live… don’t we feel the mood dampen? Don’t we secretly desire to have our places swapped? To have done things differently? The IFs start creeping in again.

We all go through the IF-stage at varying degrees. I felt ashamed that I even harbour that thought… but I so really want to turn back time, to change things, to clean up my act, to be better. I so badly want it… but we all know it is not possible. 

Life is a interesting teacher. She teaches us to appreciate life by creating death around us. She teaches us to be hopeful by giving us hopeless situations. She teaches us to be good by making us do wrong. She gives us less so we learn to appreciate what we have. She makes us grow old, so we will appreciate the little time we have left. 

We are all children with different gifts and we are being moulded by life everyday. Love who we are, learn from our mistakes, accept our flaws, embrace our quirks, and live a full life. Everything happens for a reason.

 

Alone – What do you feel?

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We are almost always amongst our colleagues, friends, family and loved ones. How often are we left alone? What happens when we are along? What is that feeling? Do you feel alone and start to call someone to talk to? Do you dress up and leave the ‘lonely’ state and get to the city to be amongst the ‘crowd’? What is being alone mean to you? I realise now that many could actually feel lonely and a good number might feel ‘scared’.

It seems, not many could actually appreciate the pause in the routine cycle of things –  for us to put a break in our daily activity and evaluate life in general. We can go to a nice, cosy corner, and read our favourite novel or serve the internet, updating our Facebook and Twitter… or even catch some funnies in YouTube. Maybe, we can even make ourselves a nice hot chocolate or cold beer, whichever suits us, and turn up the volume on our Surround Speaker and watch our favourite Blu-Ray movie on our HDTV. Or maybe, tidy up our table or pictures we have taken for Christmas… or follow up on some backlog of work… or SMS/email a old friend… or write a diary or share your feeling on WordPress… or go repair that leaking pipe, setup the External Hard Disk or Wireless Router that you just purchased, which is sitting there in the corner…. or maybe get some exercise… or really just unwind and play an online game or simly get some sleep to get recharged… or get some alcohol in your system and do all of the above in the floating state.

Maybe you should try to reconnect with our past and see what you missed out doing. May it be painting, listening to some classics, stamp collecting, looking through our album, or reading some poems… or watching some old movies that we used to enjoy 20 years back. Maybe we can be adventurous and drive our car to a place we have loved to go a long time now, or simply let your heart define the route. Or you could even take a bus and sit there and be absorbed with the world around you.

All of the above are something we can do anytime, but when do we even chose to do it? The moment we are given that precious space in our packed life, what do we choose to do? We can choose to just waste it, only to dump it with the notion that there will always be many such opportunities or simply to even take it as a ‘scary’ moment to ‘endure’ through… or we can cherish it and make every moment of that worth its while. Whichever path we choose are our choices. Choices on how we spent our life, our time and precious moments.

There is so much to do. That is… if we want to do them. Those ‘spare’ moments we have are to be cherished. It is really up to us to make those moments make something out of us. A routine ‘maintenance’ for ourselves by ourselves. To re-align our path to take a better route… or simply to find the better us. Let us value those moments… let us make it worth the while… let us give solitude its rightful place. Live well.

Greatness…. we define it.

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I like to drink (alcohol of couse) – all the time actually. However I don’t get to do it often. I have a family and as a responsible father who sets an example for his kids, I have to restrain myself. Why do I like to drink? I am not the kind who gets drunk and start becoming rowdy and all. I drink to get high, not drunk. When I am high, I become sober… and more at peace. I find a level of peace and I start to self reflect more when I am high. I will totally agree if I am branded oxymoronic. I like to drink and I am no connaisseur, although I drink with that pretext. I wish not to drink, but I do it now and again – why?

I have not taken drugs, but if you have I guess you will know what I am not talking about. We all want something to give a  sense of ‘purpose’. A moment to be ‘free’… a moment to be what we want to be… a moment to float in the stillness of time. I am in no way advocating drinking or drugs – in fact I totally dispice it. Then again, there is a part of me which just want to live in a subconscious world. A part of me that is weak and falls slave, chained up and confined in the cell that my mind puts me in. I am slave to myself – not to say I have no control over it, but I crave it… I enjoy it. My ‘choice’ of not wanting it does not change the fact that I am still a slave – of my choosing… of my craving. I never really got addicted to any particular evil, even though I tried ‘diligently’, just to experience what is that addiction that destroys a person and his/her life and family in the process. Maybe I am just blessed to be immune to addiction of the ‘dark’ kind, but that does not mean I have completely overcome it. To not allow oneself to be conquered and to have full control over oneself are two different things – one is a state of ‘constant’ and the other a state of ‘completeness’.

Much is expected of those who put themselves on a higher moral pedestal. What is more important is for each one of us to evaluate ourselves with high expectations – to look at ourselves and expect nothing short of greatness. No one is perfect – but each and every one of us strive to be perfect – to overcome our own demons, whichever size or shape they come in. Overcoming our demons is not easy – in fact it is the probably the one thing that is so integrated with us that we might feel lost without it. Such is the power of that leech. That is why greatness is never easy – that is why is called greatness… not good… not very good… not excellent… but greatness!

The biggest hurdle we need to go through to reach a higher state of being, is not out there, but in us. It knows our weakness and it feeds on that. Greatness is never easy. It is not about being capable of greatness, it is about the willingness to be great. Many have told me “Choice does not mean anything. I can choose to be a President but I can never be.” – well that is not choice. Let me share a true story of a famous leader as I have heard it with some enhancements.

The teacher in the class asked the students what they want to be when they grow up. There were some wanting to be a doctors, engineers, lawyers, teachers and so on. One kid stood up and said he wanted to be a Prime Minister. The teacher jokingly asked ‘There can be only one (sounds like ‘Highlander’) Prime Minister in this whole country, it is almost impossible. Maybe you might want to be something else’ – to which the student replied ‘There is only one person in this class who wanted to be a Prime Minister’.

You see, we become what we believe in. The believe or the seed of the desire for greatness does not exist in all. The fact that we believe is the step towards greatness.

Greatness is about choice. We choose that. Let’s us take the first step forward.